The Autobahn

I do not even know how to begin or even where to begin.  Monday, March 11^th, Melody went in for a scheduled appointment with her oncologist.  This oncologist has always been unreasonably optimistic mind you.  The appointment this time, he was not.  It was a grave appointment.  He told Melody and my dad, Mike, that the cancer was growing and that her liver was extremely compromised.  She needed to start IV chemo, Taxol, right away.  This would attack the cancer in her liver and her life would be prolonged.  If we did not start the new regime then she may have only a few weeks to live.  This put all of us in high gear, if I were in my car I would have down shifted to 4^th for that extra boost.  I decided that I would leave for Ohio Monday the 18^th instead of the beginning of April.  The doctor also made an appointment for her to get another PET scan, this is a scan that shows the body and any place cancer may be hiding or growing.  That Thursday dad took her to the PET scan appointment.  Friday she was scheduled to have the first bout of Taxol.  As is turned out, Melody was too weak to go to the appointment, it was rescheduled.  Friday, my dad went to his primary doctor for a check-up.  While he was there this physician began talking to my dad about quality versus quantity of life.  Later that evening, I called my dad and he began talking to me about this new thought process.  I have always been a huge advocate of quality of life over quantity, I just have never been faced with it on a personal level.  Dad said he was going to talk to Melody about this in the next couple days.  Sunday, March 17^th, I was told Melody was going to stop all chemo medications.  I knew this was the best thing for her, but oh it hurt.  I just wanted to curl up and pretend life did not exist.  One of my dear friends kept me going though, I still needed to pack to go up to Ohio!  I went to bed with the aid of Benadryl and I slept horribly.  My throat was on fire and my whole body ached.  I had worn my body to the point of exhaustion and I was feeling the effects.  The next morning I began my drive to Ohio.  On the way the roads were not so great, but the worst thing that happened on the trip is the phone call that I received.  My grandma, who has been fighting liver cancer for four years and who is now on dialysis broke her upper arm when she was just trying to sit up.  Really!  Does it ever end!?  How much more can my family take?  My aunt Becky said it appropriately when she said “ we should be freakishly strong one day.”  I just wish I could be that strong right now.