A Reason

Do you ever walk though life not really being there?  Like life is this made up game that people live and you are one of the pawns in the Theater of Life?  Going though the motions of life and having no real feeling.  That's what it seems like for me right now.  Whether I'm working or sitting at home I wonder, "Is this what life really is?"  Oh, I guess I do have feelings.  Feelings of frustration with my phone company because my phone does not work or feelings of being overwhelmed at work because it feels like I chased my tail all day.  I have those feeling. I was thinking tonight that maybe I just thought being an adult would be different.  I guess I had thoughts that adults are these grown up people who have it all together.  Maybe everyone is like me in thinking life would "feel" different than it really is.   Right now, I am going though the motions of life and wonder when it will have meaning again.  This song was playing in my car tonight on my way home from work it's called "reason to sing" by All Sons and Daughters.  This is what gives me  a reason to live and sing.  it may not feel like it at the moment, but I know I have a Reason to Sing.  "When the pieces start to shatter, to gather on the floor. And all that seems to matter is that I don't feel You anymore. no, I don't feel you anymore.  I need a reason to sing.  I need to know that You're still holding the whole  world in Your hands. i need a reason, when I'm overcome with fear and hate everything I know. If this waiting lasts forever, I fear I might let go.  will there be victory, will You sing it over me now. Your peace is the melody, won't  You sing it over me now.  I need a reason to sing, to know that You're still holding the whole world in Your hands.  That is a reason to sing."  Maybe this song does not make sense, but I know that I will begin to feel once again and life will not be this dragging on of eternity.  Because my Maker holds the whole world in His hands.  That is a reason to sing and I will continue to work on that realization until it becomes a reality full of feeling and life.

Normal Life

I am back home and all went well on my drive home.  I was ready to be back to “real life,” whatever that may be, but was not ready to leave Ohio.  My dad and I spent time together Saturday.  Sunday was a blur.  I asked Jenny if I could pick up her girls after school Monday and hang out with them in the afternoon.  I did just that and we had a blast jumping on the trampoline and playing Sardines, a hide-and-seek game.   It is amazing how good kids are for the soul. Tuesday I painted with my dad and I mentally prepared myself for the funeral and for my trip home.  Wednesday was the funeral.  It was a small Catholic service with Mass.  There was a small meal afterward for family and a few friends.  It was good to just be there with family and talk with them.  I reluctantly said my good-byes to my cousins; remember I did not want to leave.  Amidst the craziness of the past three weeks I have come closer to everyone and it hurt knowing I would not see them for awhile.  That evening my dad, aunt, uncle, and I sat and talked and watched “Quigley Down Under.”  It is a movie that dad and Melody had a lot of memories with so it was good to remember Melody by.  The drive home Thursday was uneventful and I made it in decent timing.  Today I decided that I needed to get my house ready for Spring and Summer.  I wanted to plant flowers and vegetables.  I went to the flower shop and nervously picked out shade flowers and sunny flowers and sweet peppers, tomatoes and herbs.  You see I do not have a green thumb.  Last year I killed my mint, which is almost impossible to kill.  I will keep trying though until I have a green thumb.  I like the thought of garden fresh vegetables and they taste so good!  Last year was my first year with an herb garden.  I absolutely loved that when I was cooking I could use my own fresh herbs instead of the dried herbs from the stores.  Melody and I also talked about vegetable and herb gardens so I was excited to tell her about it last year.  This year planting them made me sad.  I thought of Melody and my Grandma a lot of the time I was planting.  I wanted to send Melody a picture of my garden and flowers like I did last year.  I realized that we take for granted so many things.  We do not realize how much someone means to us or how often we text or call them until they are taken from us.  In reality, today was not so great a day.  Last night was hard too.  I guess I had been trying to stay strong for my dad and not really grieving myself when I was in Ohio.  I know that time will make the pain more bearable and I will learn to live with my losses, but until then…?  Until then, I just decided, I will try to make the most of life.  I will continue to build my relationships with family and friends and I will continue living “normal” life until it is just that, Normal.

When it Rains it Pours

This past week has been different than most.  My Aunt and I have been at home with my Grandma taking care of her, my Aunt more than I.  My cousins had all been by to see Grandma throughout the week.  I knew that I could stay in Ohio at least until the 10th of April on bereavement leave after Melody's funeral.  I wanted to stay as long as I could because I knew that when I went home and said goodbye to Grandma it would be the last time.  We happened to find pictures of my grandma from the 1930's to present.  Each time people came to visit we looked at the old pictures.  Because of the multiple visits I saw the pictures about four times and now I feel like I know my grandma's history a little better.  I know who her friends were and I can pick out my grandpa and her from other people.  I never met my grandpa so it is important to me that I now know what he looks like and can pick him out of a crowd.  I don't have all the memories that my cousins do of grandma and grandpa so it was fun for me to listen to them reminisce about her house and some of the pictures.  Now most of the pictures were from before my dad and aunt were born so there was not much reminiscing about those pictures but we were in awe of the amazing pictures we found.  The week could not continue going well, not in my family that is.  Thursday and Friday I noticed my grandma's health declining rapidly.  I did not know how long she would continue on like this.  Saturday early morning, she passed in her sleep.   My uncle woke me up around 7:30 to inform me.  A couple of my cousins and my dad came over to my aunt and uncles house.  It has been a bad day with lows and a few higher plateaus. The past year has been a year of changes.  Most of the changes have not been good ones, but there are good ones.  It's been a hard year.  I sometimes wonder when will life go back to normal.  What is normal anyway?    I think this is the new normal.  There will be good times and bad times in life.  I know the good times will outweigh the bad ones, eventually.  Until then, I will continue to lean on my family and friends during the hard times and I will strengthen my bonds with them simultaneously.  I also depend on God during these times.  I do not know what I would do without my faith and trust in Him.

Power of Thoughts

How can one put into words the feelings and emotions felt when they lose someone they love and care for?  The hard days may be more frequent than the good days.  The hard days are filled with forced attempts at making them appear good.  My dad asked me yesterday how he is supposed to act now.  He said “do I act sad and down or do I act like everything is ok?  If I act like all is ok then that means I act like the past 22 years never happened.  If so, then I act like the best 22 years of my life never happened.”  My family is filled with the constant reminder of how short life is and the emotions of losing Melody are brought out because my Grandma is so sick. She decided this past Sunday, my dad and aunt with her, she would stop dialysis.  The cancer, which is now spread all over her body, causes her to be in constant pain.  She knows  the pain will not stop and that if she breaks her back or any other bone the pain will only magnify.  Four years ago she was diagnosed with cancer in her liver.  We are not sure where it originated, possible the biliary duct.  She has fought long and hard.  In the beginning of the fight she was doing chemotherapy.  Her kidneys were already compromised so with the harsh drugs the kidneys were completely worn out and she decided a little more than a year ago that she would go on dialysis. She has faced many difficulties with dialysis, her fistulas clogged multiple times.  She is the toughest and strongest woman I have ever met.  She has such a will to live and beat whatever is placed before her.  If only I could be half as strong as she is.  That’s where the Kramer strong, as my Aunt Becky says, comes from, even if Grandma was a Reinhart before…  Hospice has come by for their initial visit.  We are making sure Grandma is comfortable and talking with her when she is awake.  The past couple days have been hard for me.  It was good for me that I spent time with my cousin, Jenny, and her two girls.  There is something about kids that give you a renewed strength to continue on and remember that there is more to life than yourself.  It was a nice reprieve for my mind.  Instead of being down emotionally I was jumping on a trampoline and roller skating and making videos and making memories with the girls.  If nothing else good comes of all the heartache it has been good for me because I have come to know my family here in Ohio better.  Hard times cause one to lean on family more and more.  Children are not the only things that are keeping me going right now.  I know that God’s strength is here with me.  I am listening to music while I write this and here are some lyrics that are playing.  “Give me faith, to trust what You say, that You’re good and Your love is great, I’m broken inside I give you my life.  I may be weak, Your spirit strong in me, my flesh will fail, my God You never will.”  “We will overcome, we will overcome cause you have overcome the world.”  This is what keeps me going. I do not know how my family does it without God.  He is my strength and constant help. 

Kramer Strong

It has been a grueling week.  Last Friday night, from 5:00 pm until after midnight, friends and family came to visit Melody.  Melody was asleep the entire time but we all said good-bye with selfish hopes that she would stay with us a little longer.  Saturday, March 23, 2013 at 12:30 in the morning Melody breathed her last.  The last visitor was still in the driveway heading out, I was next door grabbing a quick bite to eat, dad was in the basement fanning the fire, and Kerry was at his mom’s side.  He was saying his good-bye to his mom when she “said” her good-bye.  It has been said that Melody just did not want to leave the party and I believe that, but I also believe she was waiting to say goodbye to her son.  The next day was a blur.  Funeral arrangements, what to do?  What would Melody want?  This is not something I care to do anytime soon.  Sunday and Monday came and went.  Tuesday was the start of goodbye.  Many of my dad and Melody's friends and family came for the visitation Tuesday.  It was a sad and emotional day.  My parents and youngest brother, Caleb, came to support me from Minnesota.  My friends Ellen, Rana, and Crystal drove from Kansas and Amber flew with Aiden.  They came with the strength from my church to be with me.  It meant a lot to me to have family and friends come from so far to be with me during that impossible time.  It meant a lot to my Ohio family too that people would come from so far for such a short time.  They knew it was just to support me.  One realizes how much family and friends mean to them during difficult times.  I do not know what I would have done had they not been there.  Wednesday was the funeral.  It was a time of stories and memories being told.  I was to go last.  My time came to get up.  I was emotional and wanted to collect myself before I stood up to talk in front of everyone.  My Aunt Becky got up and came to where I was sitting.  She said she would go up with me.  She gave me the courage to get up and she helped me tell my story and memories of Melody.   She was there for me during one of the hardest times of my life.  I will never forget that.  She put her own feelings aside to be there for me.  Thursday, I decided that I would stay in Ohio for a couple more days.  My grandma was going to have a PET scan Friday to see if her cancer had spread to more places than just her left upper arm, which snapped Monday the 18^th.  My dad and I began a remodel on his house.  He and Melody were going to remodel their bedroom and tear down a couple walls but this project was put on hold because Melody was sick.  It all started when dad and I began by cleaning out Melody’s closet, which was not a fun project.  Tearing down the walls, well that was somewhat therapeutic.  Smashing a hammer into a wall and kicking down sheetrock… Friday came around.  I was riding with my Uncle Tom and we decided that this week, since last Friday, was the absolute longest week ever.  We were driving to meet my Aunt and Grandma for lunch.  When we were in the waiting room where we would meet Becky text me.  The text said, “looks like grandma may be admitted into the hospital.  Her doctor thinks the cancer has metastasized in several places. We are waiting on a radiologist confirmation and we may be looking at hospice.  The doctor does not think it will be long on hospice.”  What?!  This is what I was expecting to hear, but was hoping I would not be hearing.  The cancer was supposed to have only spread to the left arm.  I was going to go home in peace.  No, of course not why would it work like that?  You see in my family, it appears that when it rains, it pours.  I called human resources at work.  The FMLA paperwork that I had sent for my grandma was denied because grandparents are not covered in family medical leave.  I was devastated.  I text my cousin, Jenny, that I was not covered.  I sat down in the hallway in the hospital and cried, completely overwhelmed.  I thought I had had all I could handle BEFORE this.  Jenny called me.  She helped me collect myself and I was able to continue on.  Grandma is back at my aunt and uncles house.  Hospice has come to see her for their initial visit and we are waiting to see if grandma wants to stop dialysis or not.  If she does, the toxins in her body will build up and she will go into a sleep coma and go quietly and pain free.  If she continues dialysis she will continue living.  Either way with the cancer in so many places her bones are liable to break at any moment and she will just continue to be in excruciating pain with broken bones that will not heal.  It is her choice.  I was talking to Becky today, she encouraged me to be strong, “Kramer Strong”.  She said she told Melody back in December that when one becomes a Kramer or if they have the Kramer blood in them they are Kramer Strong.  If Melody can be Kramer Strong so can I.

How to say good-bye

How do you say good-bye to someone you love?  There is no way to prepare the heart and mind for the ultimate good-bye.  I had been trying to be prepared.  I can prepare for a trip and have everything I need ready or prepare myself to go non-stop for a time, but to prepare myself to say good-bye...  I’m not talking about the “see you later’, or “until next time”.  What happened to the wedding day excitement with her or the “so I met this guy” conversation or the exclaimed “I’m pregnant!” or “here hold your grandchild.”   What about the laughter from inside jokes so that we laugh so hard “water gushes out of our eyes and our cheeks hurt”?  Those kinds of days still make me smile.  Techniques I gained in the kitchen will never be forgotten and recipes you shared will always be a favorite.  I still remember, before I had the privilege of meeting you, getting packages from you and dad. I do not remember all that was in the packages but I remember the envelope that you had colored the sun and rainbow on before you shipped it out.  I still remember when you used the colored pens you sent to me and wrote a note using each pen color.  When I met you, you took me in as if I were your own.  You took me shopping and you told me what colors looked good on me.  We stared at the kitchen gadgets saying how each would be handy.  We feasted on the food network, when is now lovingly referred to as “food porn.”  You took me to my first pedicure.  You have helped me get presents for my dad, who we both know is impossible to buy for.  We even ganged up on dad when I came to visit.  I remember the day when I said “you don’t have to like me you know.  I have seen other step-children and their parents, they do not get along.”  You looked at me and just reassured me that we are not like other families.  I know the time and place and even the person we were talking to when you first called me your daughter.  We were loading a refrigerator for a doctor friend of yours and we were outside of his apartment complex.  I was honored that day and I still am honored to be called your daughter.  You drove twelve hours one way to visit me this past year.   You were all by yourself and on vacation from work and you came to see me.  That meant a lot then and even more now.  I told everyone I knew you were coming because I was so excited.  While you were in Kansas, I learned what your “not surprised face” looks like.  You also gave me tips to keep my house from getting dusty and even decorating ideas.  To be honest, I could go on and on about the different things you have taught me through the years, but the thing I learned the most was learned just by watching you.  You put others first just as you put me first.  I learned you were Heidi's best friend while she was in high school.  You took her out on your own initiative and bought her clothing to wear to our grandpa’s funeral.  You did the blood work and were the first to say, "yes, Jenny, you are pregnant."   My aunt may have dressed my dad up in dresses and the such, but you are the only true sister she has ever known.  I have learned many things from you.  Things that I would prefer to not learn right now but I am anyway.  I am learning things like a day should never be taken for granted.  Time with those we love should never be wasted.  The continuation of things learned from you may have come to a halt, but those that I have learned will stay with me through my life.  I will pass them down to my children and say “your Gram Melody taught me…”  You will not be forgotten and your legacy will continue.  After all you have a son and a daughter.

Moving days

Wednesday was the big day.  Melody wanted to go to the nursing home so we packed up her necessities and away we went.  We arrived late in the afternoon and Melody was settled in good timing.  There was no longer the fear in her eyes that she had at home.  She had been terrified of falling and it had been written all over her face.  I was at ease because she was at ease.  My cousin, Heidi, and I talked with the nurse about the medications that she needed that night and we were assured that she would receive them.  The medications were her pain and cough medicine that she only took at night so we thought it important for her to be given them.  Is it too much to write that not only did we move Melody but we also moved my grandma to an assisted living facility the same day?  Since Grandma broke her arm she needs more care and attention then we can give at this time with Melody as frail as she is.  Wednesday night we all settled down and felt a little more at ease knowing that neither Melody nor Grandma would fall during the night and their basic needs would be met.  Thursday morning rolled around.  I stayed at my dad’s house to “clean up a bit” but really to give him and Melody a little time together by themselves.  I thought this would be good for both of them.  I was working away with my Aunt Becky, my dad’s only sibling, and suddenly my dad appeared.  He said “Melody is in pain and the nursing home does not have any medication to give her.”  WHAT?!  I was angry and my dad was outraged.  I do not like people to be in pain and as a nurse if my patient is in pain I will bug my doctors until my patient's pain is relieved.  To see someone I love in pain with no pain reliever…you do not want to know.  To make a long story short, the nursing home did not have prescriptions from the nursing home doctor so she did not have the pain medications.  I will go no further on the subject.  Dad grabbed her home medications and with my blessing he gave her her home medications for pain relief.  As it is with pain if it gets uncontrolled it is next to impossible to reign it back in.  I quickly finished up what I was doing and went up to see Melody.  She was not comfortable.  The nurse apologized, I understood I hate the paperwork process too, then I asked them what I needed to do to get her the appropriate pain medications.  I could do nothing, my dad had given her the medicine and we were still waiting for the effects.   Hospice was coming at 3:30 that afternoon and I could not wait until they got there, I knew they would be able to help Melody.  Now I am not exaggerating on the discomfort that Melody was experiencing.  The hospice nurse arrived and after only looking at Melody she was in gear to get her pain medicine as soon as she could.  Melody was in too much “discomfort” (Melody never complains and is never in pain she is only "uncomfortable") for her liking.  The hospice nurse said it usually took a day to get the medications, but she was going to call around and talk to her boss and their doctor to get the medications before we moved Melody back home.  Oh yeah, Melody decided that afternoon that if she has to be uncomfortable at the nursing home then she may as well be uncomfortable at home.  I gathered up all of Melody’s belongings and we waited a short while for the pain medications.  Melody transferred well back home and we helped her get to bed.  My dad had already moved the king sized bed into the living room for her and she slept soundly.  My aunt, dad, and I sat in the living room that evening reminiscing.  Later that evening my aunt and I headed next door and dad snuggled in next to his wife, right where he wanted to be all along.  Melody had a bad night, she was uncomfortable and gasping for air.  This morning when I came over she was comfortable again.  The hospice nurse came by and said Melody looked a lot more comfortable than she did yesterday and to call if we needed anything.  Right now, I am sitting here watching Melody and listening to my dad and Kerry, Melody’s son and only natural child, converse.  As hard as it is being here I am right where I need to be.

Two Places at Once

I arrived in Upper late Monday night.  I knew that I would continue on my fast pace so I said my hellos at my dad's house and I went over next door to my aunt and uncles house to go to bed.  This is where I am staying this visit. The next morning I thought I was superwoman.  My uncle Tom kept calling my Becky, my aunts name, because I guess I am like her in a lot of ways.  Being superwoman is one of those ways.  I thought I could go between the two houses and help take care of my Grandma and Melody.  Well, as is stated in the previous sentence "I thought I could take care of both."  I was over more helping my grandma more than over with Melody.  My grandma has a newly broken upper arm and is 83 years old so she needed a lot attention.  My uncle and I took my grandma to a doctor’s appointment in the afternoon.  As I had suspected, my grandma's arm did not just randomly break but there was an underlying issue.  Her liver cancer has more than likely spread, again, to the left arm right where it broke.  We did not do any further x-rays to see where else it may have spread, but we know it may have spread to other bones as well.  She will go in a week or so to the Ohio State University Hospital to an older adult bone cancer specialist for a consult.  Surgery will probably follow, more for comfort measures than anything else.  The bone really will not heal because of the lesion.  Biopsies will be taken during the surgery so we will then know what we are dealing with.

In the meanwhile, Melody was at home all day and she was not feeling well.  Once Grandma was settled back at my aunt and uncles house I went back over to see Melody.  I do not have the strength or resources to move her around a lot without help so she was in bed all day.  I felt sad and not for myself.  This is hard for me, yes, but it is the hardest on her.  She has always been a very strong person and now she is too weak to even sit up on her own.  The once independent person is now completely dependent on others for every necessity in life.  I do not even claim to understand her situation, how could I?  I had a plan for the next day that I knew would work perfectly.  I am superwoman don’t you forget, I can do anything I set my mind to.  Well, can I just say things don’t always go as expected? I know this may come as a surprise to some but I am, after all, not superwoman.  I know that in the future I will once again become superwoman, but right now I am more bleak in my outlook.  Melody is going to a nursing home today.  It is a decision she made last night.  I want her to have as much independence as she can.  She can make her own decisions for her life so I am going to help her.

The Autobahn

I do not even know how to begin or even where to begin.  Monday, March 11^th, Melody went in for a scheduled appointment with her oncologist.  This oncologist has always been unreasonably optimistic mind you.  The appointment this time, he was not.  It was a grave appointment.  He told Melody and my dad, Mike, that the cancer was growing and that her liver was extremely compromised.  She needed to start IV chemo, Taxol, right away.  This would attack the cancer in her liver and her life would be prolonged.  If we did not start the new regime then she may have only a few weeks to live.  This put all of us in high gear, if I were in my car I would have down shifted to 4^th for that extra boost.  I decided that I would leave for Ohio Monday the 18^th instead of the beginning of April.  The doctor also made an appointment for her to get another PET scan, this is a scan that shows the body and any place cancer may be hiding or growing.  That Thursday dad took her to the PET scan appointment.  Friday she was scheduled to have the first bout of Taxol.  As is turned out, Melody was too weak to go to the appointment, it was rescheduled.  Friday, my dad went to his primary doctor for a check-up.  While he was there this physician began talking to my dad about quality versus quantity of life.  Later that evening, I called my dad and he began talking to me about this new thought process.  I have always been a huge advocate of quality of life over quantity, I just have never been faced with it on a personal level.  Dad said he was going to talk to Melody about this in the next couple days.  Sunday, March 17^th, I was told Melody was going to stop all chemo medications.  I knew this was the best thing for her, but oh it hurt.  I just wanted to curl up and pretend life did not exist.  One of my dear friends kept me going though, I still needed to pack to go up to Ohio!  I went to bed with the aid of Benadryl and I slept horribly.  My throat was on fire and my whole body ached.  I had worn my body to the point of exhaustion and I was feeling the effects.  The next morning I began my drive to Ohio.  On the way the roads were not so great, but the worst thing that happened on the trip is the phone call that I received.  My grandma, who has been fighting liver cancer for four years and who is now on dialysis broke her upper arm when she was just trying to sit up.  Really!  Does it ever end!?  How much more can my family take?  My aunt Becky said it appropriately when she said “ we should be freakishly strong one day.”  I just wish I could be that strong right now. 

Back to the new normal

I'm back in Pittsburg.  There are so many thoughts going on in my head.  There is not a day or even an hour for that matter that I am not thinking of Melody and wondering how she is doing.  I know my dad is taking care of her and she has a support group of friends and family but it is still hard being so far away.  Work has been hard.  My first day back I took care of a patient with an all too similar diagnosis and prognosis as Melody.  I only cried once and that was when the oncologist told the daughter that her 64 year old dad only had a couple months to live due to his brain cancer.  Having to re-live such a heart-wrenching day was exhausting.  I did not know how to handle myself.  I knew I had to be strong for my patient and his family during this time yet be there to comfort them.  I failed on that.  I do not know how to be strong without being emotionally distant with such a parallel situation to my own.  The next day I talked with my boss and she was astounded that I took care of the patient and told me that I could ask to switch teams during this time if I am placed in a similar situation.  I am very thankful because I think my patients deserve a nurse who can be more prepared than I to care for them emotionally.  Back on the subject of Ohio.  I still text or call Melody or my dad every day to see how they are doing and to see if Melody took her medications.  Melody seems to be staying strong at this time and she has every day taken her medication without me prompting her. :)  They call me Nurse Ratchet from "One Flew over the Coo Coo Nest."  Now that I have seen the movie I love the nickname.  I also told Melody that she has to behave because I learned a little from Nurse Ratchet and to watch out.  For some reason she just looked at me and smiled, she did not know that I was serious!

I know that I would not be able to make it without the amazing support that I have from both friends and family.  My ultimate strength is found from the One above who is right here with me.  A song just came on that says "I am running, running after You.  You've become my soul's delight.  Here with You I find my life."  I find my life and strength in God and I am running more after Him during this time. It is the hard times that our roots grow deeper.  My roots are going deeper and my family ties are growing deeper.

Friends

Today is my last day in Ohio this visit.  I am not sure what to think.  I don't want to leave for many reasons.  First of all, I am not sure what to think of Melody.  She is so tired all the time now.  She is nine days into her chemo and it is having its affect.  She is still getting stronger and eating more solid foods than previously, but I don’t like that she is so tired all the time.  I am more nervous leaving than I was when I made the decision to head back home for the time being.  Second, it has been such a good visit with my family.  We are all closer than before.  So much closer than before that I can say this trip is as monumental as when I met them all for the first time when I was thirteen.  One realizes what others are made of during hard times and I have come to know and love my family more during this time because I have seen them in the raw.  Who I am and what I am made of has been out in the open this visit.  Nothing is hidden with family.  Third, you know when you grow up and your siblings are no longer just siblings but friends too.  That has happened this trip.  My cousins are not just people I know and admire, but I can call them friends too.  I can cry or laugh with them; whatever the situation calls for.  It has been a good hard trip.

Here is a picture of My dad and Melody (on the right) and my Aunt Becky (dad's only sibling) and Uncle Tom.  They came over for dinner last night.

These past few weeks have reminded me that there is no guarantee in life.  We have to make the most of everyday.  Make the most in loving those around us and not take life for granted.  Yesterday a song was running through my head, one I do not even like.  It goes like this- "Nothing, nothing, nothing is impossible for me."  I do not remember any other part to this song I don't even know if it is saying nothing is impossible for God or is saying nothing is impossible for me because of God.  I use the later meaning for my life at this moment.  I can get through this time in my life because of my dependency on God.  I was thinking the other day why people get cancer and why one person over another.  I began thinking there is no rhyme or reason for why people get cancer.  There is a reason it is in the world though.  Sin is in the world, it was brought into it by one man and all men are redeemed by One Man-Jesus.  With sin, sickness and death came too.  I realized once again my need for a Lord and Savior.  I can never get away from seeing my dependence on God.  God is the I AM.  That name of God-the I AM is what keeps me going.  He is the I AM in any situation.  He can do anything.  

a sculpted life

You know those days where is feels like nothing is right?  Gloom and the cloud of uncertainty are looming over your head.  You are faced with decisions that will have a bearing on the rest of your life?  Whatever the choice you make the other option seems just as correct.  Yesterday it seemed so right and today it appears so wrong.  To live with the decisions we make today, tomorrow.  Can I live with myself if I chose one thing over another?  Once a decision is made the effects of it are forever there.  How do I continue on if the choices I make today prove to be wrong?  Why can I not turn back the pages of time?  What things can I do today that will save me this agony in the future?  Why do I ask so many questions?  Where are all the answers?  Must I too uncover them?!  Screaming at the top of my lungs will do nothing, not even startle the ants below my feet.  There is no relief to my sorrow.  The aching stabbing pain in my chest is not caused from a blockage in a vessel but from love and a fear of what the future holds.  The future holds the answers to all the questions I now have.  How can something so intertwined not provide the answers to the questions so sought for in the here and now?  Shall I become numb so my tender heart is no longer raw but callused?  The agony of today will produce the person I will be tomorrow.  I must make the most of today.

New Medications

I took Melody to a doctor appointment followed by an IV infusion February 11^th with my cousin Jenny. She is a respected nurse practitioner here.  I was thankful that someone else was going that would be able to ask appropriate questions regarding Melody’s health and care she should be receiving.  Jenny asked about services such as home health that could do blood draws and physical therapy for strength building exercises.  We left with little comfort because the doctor said that she was going to be getting stronger on a new medication, Decadron, and that he did not think she needed either of those services.  Decadron is a steroid that decreases swelling and causes weight gain and increased appetite.  She had 10 radiation treatments to her brain from December 15-24^th to shrink the lesions.  The five lesions in her brain have in fact not shrunk but have grown and have increased swelling around them.  This is what is causing her to not be able to problem solve.  When we came home that day I was extremely worried about her because she was so weak she did not have enough energy to even climb up three steps to the front door.  It was just the two of us so I stood behind her and used my foot to help her lift hers then I pushed her holding onto her with my whole body to get her up the stairs.  I did not think we would make it and we had to take a couple breaks to just get in the house.  Later that night my dad had to carry her two times because she was so weak.  I could see that she was going downhill fast and I did not know how much more time we had.  Because of this I found people to cover my shifts for at work for the next two weeks and had FMLA papers filed at work.  The next day home health called, to my surprise, and set up an appointment for the following day.  Melody started on the Decadron and we were waiting to start a Chemotherapy pill that was coming in the mail from a specialty pharmacy.  The past couple days Melody has been walking around with increased balance and strength and she has been eating more and more solid foods than soups and protein smoothies.  Yes, is appears that Decadron is a miracle drug at this time giving her extra energy.  The chemotherapy will cross over the Blood Brain Barrier that her other medications have not so it will attack the brain lesions.  She has another MRI of the brain in 7 weeks and that will show us how the chemotherapy is affecting the brain lesions.  I am trying to be optimistic about it all and hope that the medications have their intended effects.  

New skills

When I first arrived in Upper to visit my dad and step-mom (Melody) I was struck with the severity that the cancer had ransacked through Melody’s body.  I had been forewarned that she was very ill but nothing prepares one to see another once so strong and seemingly invincible now feeble and hardly able to walk or even stand without help.   I came prepared, I had my stethoscope and a mindset to help where I was needed and to care for this now delicate person I love.  The first few days I was here I observed that although Melody had a good memory still she was not able to reason or problem solve.  I knew that she sometimes needed help climbing into bed, but it struck me when she said she did not know how to turn down the covers to climb in under them.   Now if there ever were a reason to not make a bed in the morning this one beats them all.  I would watch her walk and think “if I were at work she would be in a wheelchair or be using a walker!”   As an ICU nurse I am used to being around weak and sick people but I have all the tools needed to help them get better.  I have no tools, except my observation and critical thinking skills I have been picking up at work.  If anything these past few weeks have made my observation skills keener.  

Not everything is changed for the worst with a sudden life changing word like cancer.  Time spent with others is not taken for granted and enjoyment is found in the small things. Small things like trying to take off the new gel nail polish. Have you ever tried to take that stuff off?!  It is darn near impossible.  I decided to look it up in the Internet after a few feeble attempts were well, attempts.  One site said use foil with cotton balls soaked in acetone as this generates heat and causes the acetone to work faster.  Melody and I found that it may ward off aliens or create a new twist on Edward scissor hands but it does not work on removing the polish.  It did create a few memories of the good times though.  Here are a couple pictures we took.  The  first is warding off aliens or trying to give my phone better reception.  The second picture is the first time she actually enjoyed coffee (Signet Roast might I add) since her diagnosis!  It was a happy moment as Melody used to love coffee.  One of the lesions is on or by the portion of the brain that controls taste so her likes and dislikes of food have been changing.

My cousin said the silver lining in life right now is that our family is closer.  We are closer now than I ever thought imaginable.  I know that as time goes on we will become even closer and more dependent on each other.  God has His hand on my life and I know His strong arm is the major thing that keeps me going.  I have a bracelet that I wear that says "Stand Firm."  It comes from a scripture in Ephesians 6:13 and I sum it up as "put on the full armor of God and do everything to live for God and when you have done that continue to stand firm."  I use it for my life because although God is my Rock and my foundation right now it seems it is all I can do to just stand firm on His promises. So I do just that, Stand Firm.  It is a reminder to me as to why I am living and my purpose in life.

One Word

One may say what is in a word? I say everything is in a word.  How can the one word "Cancer" have no meaning?  How can one life and the lives around them be forever changed because of one word-Cancer.  One never knows what they take for granted until that one day everything changes.  When the benign microcalcification in the breast tissue is suddenly found to be the cause of a persistent cough.  When that benign calcification is now breast cancer that has spread to the lungs.  When knowledge of HER2 positive cancer cells that have ravaged the body.  Life forever changes once again with the few words of multiple brain lesions and liver spots and a sliver on the femur.  To one in the medical profession that sums it up as stage 4 cancer-a primary with multiple metastasis and a poor prognosis.  To those living with now booming words of “bad cancer” pounding in their minds it means a hard road ahead but a positive outcome.  How is that those that give the diagnoses can continue to live ordinary lives while the lives of those with these who hear The Words are suddenly torn apart and are in shambles?  To be there when one you love hears those few words, “you have stage 4 breast cancer; there is no cure.” That is the worst possible day imaginable.  To know the truth to read the truth and then to hear the truth is the worst possible day.  To know that one who has helped shape your life will be in the mercies of others care for basic activities of daily living.  The once strong and independent person now relying on others for basic life necessities such as medication and food.  How can one sit by and from a distance watch a loved one slowly slip away?  The day in a day out of life with one becoming weaker and weaker and becoming more dependent than they were independent can hardly be bearable.  What is the choice?  To be distant and be shocked by the decline or to witness the decline with every breath and movement of every day. 

The necessity of family during these times is discovered.  How people come together during the hard times is remarkable.  The core of a person is seen in the hard times and how much one is dependent on others is reveled.   It is the hard times that shape a person and define them.

My step-mom has a new diagnosis of stage 4 cancer and these are a few of my thoughts.  I am not a good writer but what I feel comes out on paper.  It may appear as chicken scratch, but feeling are expressed and thoughts reveled.  It is the balm on the open jagged tears on my heart.