Back to the new normal

I'm back in Pittsburg.  There are so many thoughts going on in my head.  There is not a day or even an hour for that matter that I am not thinking of Melody and wondering how she is doing.  I know my dad is taking care of her and she has a support group of friends and family but it is still hard being so far away.  Work has been hard.  My first day back I took care of a patient with an all too similar diagnosis and prognosis as Melody.  I only cried once and that was when the oncologist told the daughter that her 64 year old dad only had a couple months to live due to his brain cancer.  Having to re-live such a heart-wrenching day was exhausting.  I did not know how to handle myself.  I knew I had to be strong for my patient and his family during this time yet be there to comfort them.  I failed on that.  I do not know how to be strong without being emotionally distant with such a parallel situation to my own.  The next day I talked with my boss and she was astounded that I took care of the patient and told me that I could ask to switch teams during this time if I am placed in a similar situation.  I am very thankful because I think my patients deserve a nurse who can be more prepared than I to care for them emotionally.  Back on the subject of Ohio.  I still text or call Melody or my dad every day to see how they are doing and to see if Melody took her medications.  Melody seems to be staying strong at this time and she has every day taken her medication without me prompting her. :)  They call me Nurse Ratchet from "One Flew over the Coo Coo Nest."  Now that I have seen the movie I love the nickname.  I also told Melody that she has to behave because I learned a little from Nurse Ratchet and to watch out.  For some reason she just looked at me and smiled, she did not know that I was serious!

I know that I would not be able to make it without the amazing support that I have from both friends and family.  My ultimate strength is found from the One above who is right here with me.  A song just came on that says "I am running, running after You.  You've become my soul's delight.  Here with You I find my life."  I find my life and strength in God and I am running more after Him during this time. It is the hard times that our roots grow deeper.  My roots are going deeper and my family ties are growing deeper.

Friends

Today is my last day in Ohio this visit.  I am not sure what to think.  I don't want to leave for many reasons.  First of all, I am not sure what to think of Melody.  She is so tired all the time now.  She is nine days into her chemo and it is having its affect.  She is still getting stronger and eating more solid foods than previously, but I don’t like that she is so tired all the time.  I am more nervous leaving than I was when I made the decision to head back home for the time being.  Second, it has been such a good visit with my family.  We are all closer than before.  So much closer than before that I can say this trip is as monumental as when I met them all for the first time when I was thirteen.  One realizes what others are made of during hard times and I have come to know and love my family more during this time because I have seen them in the raw.  Who I am and what I am made of has been out in the open this visit.  Nothing is hidden with family.  Third, you know when you grow up and your siblings are no longer just siblings but friends too.  That has happened this trip.  My cousins are not just people I know and admire, but I can call them friends too.  I can cry or laugh with them; whatever the situation calls for.  It has been a good hard trip.

Here is a picture of My dad and Melody (on the right) and my Aunt Becky (dad's only sibling) and Uncle Tom.  They came over for dinner last night.

These past few weeks have reminded me that there is no guarantee in life.  We have to make the most of everyday.  Make the most in loving those around us and not take life for granted.  Yesterday a song was running through my head, one I do not even like.  It goes like this- "Nothing, nothing, nothing is impossible for me."  I do not remember any other part to this song I don't even know if it is saying nothing is impossible for God or is saying nothing is impossible for me because of God.  I use the later meaning for my life at this moment.  I can get through this time in my life because of my dependency on God.  I was thinking the other day why people get cancer and why one person over another.  I began thinking there is no rhyme or reason for why people get cancer.  There is a reason it is in the world though.  Sin is in the world, it was brought into it by one man and all men are redeemed by One Man-Jesus.  With sin, sickness and death came too.  I realized once again my need for a Lord and Savior.  I can never get away from seeing my dependence on God.  God is the I AM.  That name of God-the I AM is what keeps me going.  He is the I AM in any situation.  He can do anything.  

a sculpted life

You know those days where is feels like nothing is right?  Gloom and the cloud of uncertainty are looming over your head.  You are faced with decisions that will have a bearing on the rest of your life?  Whatever the choice you make the other option seems just as correct.  Yesterday it seemed so right and today it appears so wrong.  To live with the decisions we make today, tomorrow.  Can I live with myself if I chose one thing over another?  Once a decision is made the effects of it are forever there.  How do I continue on if the choices I make today prove to be wrong?  Why can I not turn back the pages of time?  What things can I do today that will save me this agony in the future?  Why do I ask so many questions?  Where are all the answers?  Must I too uncover them?!  Screaming at the top of my lungs will do nothing, not even startle the ants below my feet.  There is no relief to my sorrow.  The aching stabbing pain in my chest is not caused from a blockage in a vessel but from love and a fear of what the future holds.  The future holds the answers to all the questions I now have.  How can something so intertwined not provide the answers to the questions so sought for in the here and now?  Shall I become numb so my tender heart is no longer raw but callused?  The agony of today will produce the person I will be tomorrow.  I must make the most of today.

New Medications

I took Melody to a doctor appointment followed by an IV infusion February 11^th with my cousin Jenny. She is a respected nurse practitioner here.  I was thankful that someone else was going that would be able to ask appropriate questions regarding Melody’s health and care she should be receiving.  Jenny asked about services such as home health that could do blood draws and physical therapy for strength building exercises.  We left with little comfort because the doctor said that she was going to be getting stronger on a new medication, Decadron, and that he did not think she needed either of those services.  Decadron is a steroid that decreases swelling and causes weight gain and increased appetite.  She had 10 radiation treatments to her brain from December 15-24^th to shrink the lesions.  The five lesions in her brain have in fact not shrunk but have grown and have increased swelling around them.  This is what is causing her to not be able to problem solve.  When we came home that day I was extremely worried about her because she was so weak she did not have enough energy to even climb up three steps to the front door.  It was just the two of us so I stood behind her and used my foot to help her lift hers then I pushed her holding onto her with my whole body to get her up the stairs.  I did not think we would make it and we had to take a couple breaks to just get in the house.  Later that night my dad had to carry her two times because she was so weak.  I could see that she was going downhill fast and I did not know how much more time we had.  Because of this I found people to cover my shifts for at work for the next two weeks and had FMLA papers filed at work.  The next day home health called, to my surprise, and set up an appointment for the following day.  Melody started on the Decadron and we were waiting to start a Chemotherapy pill that was coming in the mail from a specialty pharmacy.  The past couple days Melody has been walking around with increased balance and strength and she has been eating more and more solid foods than soups and protein smoothies.  Yes, is appears that Decadron is a miracle drug at this time giving her extra energy.  The chemotherapy will cross over the Blood Brain Barrier that her other medications have not so it will attack the brain lesions.  She has another MRI of the brain in 7 weeks and that will show us how the chemotherapy is affecting the brain lesions.  I am trying to be optimistic about it all and hope that the medications have their intended effects.  

New skills

When I first arrived in Upper to visit my dad and step-mom (Melody) I was struck with the severity that the cancer had ransacked through Melody’s body.  I had been forewarned that she was very ill but nothing prepares one to see another once so strong and seemingly invincible now feeble and hardly able to walk or even stand without help.   I came prepared, I had my stethoscope and a mindset to help where I was needed and to care for this now delicate person I love.  The first few days I was here I observed that although Melody had a good memory still she was not able to reason or problem solve.  I knew that she sometimes needed help climbing into bed, but it struck me when she said she did not know how to turn down the covers to climb in under them.   Now if there ever were a reason to not make a bed in the morning this one beats them all.  I would watch her walk and think “if I were at work she would be in a wheelchair or be using a walker!”   As an ICU nurse I am used to being around weak and sick people but I have all the tools needed to help them get better.  I have no tools, except my observation and critical thinking skills I have been picking up at work.  If anything these past few weeks have made my observation skills keener.  

Not everything is changed for the worst with a sudden life changing word like cancer.  Time spent with others is not taken for granted and enjoyment is found in the small things. Small things like trying to take off the new gel nail polish. Have you ever tried to take that stuff off?!  It is darn near impossible.  I decided to look it up in the Internet after a few feeble attempts were well, attempts.  One site said use foil with cotton balls soaked in acetone as this generates heat and causes the acetone to work faster.  Melody and I found that it may ward off aliens or create a new twist on Edward scissor hands but it does not work on removing the polish.  It did create a few memories of the good times though.  Here are a couple pictures we took.  The  first is warding off aliens or trying to give my phone better reception.  The second picture is the first time she actually enjoyed coffee (Signet Roast might I add) since her diagnosis!  It was a happy moment as Melody used to love coffee.  One of the lesions is on or by the portion of the brain that controls taste so her likes and dislikes of food have been changing.

My cousin said the silver lining in life right now is that our family is closer.  We are closer now than I ever thought imaginable.  I know that as time goes on we will become even closer and more dependent on each other.  God has His hand on my life and I know His strong arm is the major thing that keeps me going.  I have a bracelet that I wear that says "Stand Firm."  It comes from a scripture in Ephesians 6:13 and I sum it up as "put on the full armor of God and do everything to live for God and when you have done that continue to stand firm."  I use it for my life because although God is my Rock and my foundation right now it seems it is all I can do to just stand firm on His promises. So I do just that, Stand Firm.  It is a reminder to me as to why I am living and my purpose in life.

One Word

One may say what is in a word? I say everything is in a word.  How can the one word "Cancer" have no meaning?  How can one life and the lives around them be forever changed because of one word-Cancer.  One never knows what they take for granted until that one day everything changes.  When the benign microcalcification in the breast tissue is suddenly found to be the cause of a persistent cough.  When that benign calcification is now breast cancer that has spread to the lungs.  When knowledge of HER2 positive cancer cells that have ravaged the body.  Life forever changes once again with the few words of multiple brain lesions and liver spots and a sliver on the femur.  To one in the medical profession that sums it up as stage 4 cancer-a primary with multiple metastasis and a poor prognosis.  To those living with now booming words of “bad cancer” pounding in their minds it means a hard road ahead but a positive outcome.  How is that those that give the diagnoses can continue to live ordinary lives while the lives of those with these who hear The Words are suddenly torn apart and are in shambles?  To be there when one you love hears those few words, “you have stage 4 breast cancer; there is no cure.” That is the worst possible day imaginable.  To know the truth to read the truth and then to hear the truth is the worst possible day.  To know that one who has helped shape your life will be in the mercies of others care for basic activities of daily living.  The once strong and independent person now relying on others for basic life necessities such as medication and food.  How can one sit by and from a distance watch a loved one slowly slip away?  The day in a day out of life with one becoming weaker and weaker and becoming more dependent than they were independent can hardly be bearable.  What is the choice?  To be distant and be shocked by the decline or to witness the decline with every breath and movement of every day. 

The necessity of family during these times is discovered.  How people come together during the hard times is remarkable.  The core of a person is seen in the hard times and how much one is dependent on others is reveled.   It is the hard times that shape a person and define them.

My step-mom has a new diagnosis of stage 4 cancer and these are a few of my thoughts.  I am not a good writer but what I feel comes out on paper.  It may appear as chicken scratch, but feeling are expressed and thoughts reveled.  It is the balm on the open jagged tears on my heart.