A Reason

Do you ever walk though life not really being there?  Like life is this made up game that people live and you are one of the pawns in the Theater of Life?  Going though the motions of life and having no real feeling.  That's what it seems like for me right now.  Whether I'm working or sitting at home I wonder, "Is this what life really is?"  Oh, I guess I do have feelings.  Feelings of frustration with my phone company because my phone does not work or feelings of being overwhelmed at work because it feels like I chased my tail all day.  I have those feeling. I was thinking tonight that maybe I just thought being an adult would be different.  I guess I had thoughts that adults are these grown up people who have it all together.  Maybe everyone is like me in thinking life would "feel" different than it really is.   Right now, I am going though the motions of life and wonder when it will have meaning again.  This song was playing in my car tonight on my way home from work it's called "reason to sing" by All Sons and Daughters.  This is what gives me  a reason to live and sing.  it may not feel like it at the moment, but I know I have a Reason to Sing.  "When the pieces start to shatter, to gather on the floor. And all that seems to matter is that I don't feel You anymore. no, I don't feel you anymore.  I need a reason to sing.  I need to know that You're still holding the whole  world in Your hands. i need a reason, when I'm overcome with fear and hate everything I know. If this waiting lasts forever, I fear I might let go.  will there be victory, will You sing it over me now. Your peace is the melody, won't  You sing it over me now.  I need a reason to sing, to know that You're still holding the whole world in Your hands.  That is a reason to sing."  Maybe this song does not make sense, but I know that I will begin to feel once again and life will not be this dragging on of eternity.  Because my Maker holds the whole world in His hands.  That is a reason to sing and I will continue to work on that realization until it becomes a reality full of feeling and life.

Normal Life

I am back home and all went well on my drive home.  I was ready to be back to “real life,” whatever that may be, but was not ready to leave Ohio.  My dad and I spent time together Saturday.  Sunday was a blur.  I asked Jenny if I could pick up her girls after school Monday and hang out with them in the afternoon.  I did just that and we had a blast jumping on the trampoline and playing Sardines, a hide-and-seek game.   It is amazing how good kids are for the soul. Tuesday I painted with my dad and I mentally prepared myself for the funeral and for my trip home.  Wednesday was the funeral.  It was a small Catholic service with Mass.  There was a small meal afterward for family and a few friends.  It was good to just be there with family and talk with them.  I reluctantly said my good-byes to my cousins; remember I did not want to leave.  Amidst the craziness of the past three weeks I have come closer to everyone and it hurt knowing I would not see them for awhile.  That evening my dad, aunt, uncle, and I sat and talked and watched “Quigley Down Under.”  It is a movie that dad and Melody had a lot of memories with so it was good to remember Melody by.  The drive home Thursday was uneventful and I made it in decent timing.  Today I decided that I needed to get my house ready for Spring and Summer.  I wanted to plant flowers and vegetables.  I went to the flower shop and nervously picked out shade flowers and sunny flowers and sweet peppers, tomatoes and herbs.  You see I do not have a green thumb.  Last year I killed my mint, which is almost impossible to kill.  I will keep trying though until I have a green thumb.  I like the thought of garden fresh vegetables and they taste so good!  Last year was my first year with an herb garden.  I absolutely loved that when I was cooking I could use my own fresh herbs instead of the dried herbs from the stores.  Melody and I also talked about vegetable and herb gardens so I was excited to tell her about it last year.  This year planting them made me sad.  I thought of Melody and my Grandma a lot of the time I was planting.  I wanted to send Melody a picture of my garden and flowers like I did last year.  I realized that we take for granted so many things.  We do not realize how much someone means to us or how often we text or call them until they are taken from us.  In reality, today was not so great a day.  Last night was hard too.  I guess I had been trying to stay strong for my dad and not really grieving myself when I was in Ohio.  I know that time will make the pain more bearable and I will learn to live with my losses, but until then…?  Until then, I just decided, I will try to make the most of life.  I will continue to build my relationships with family and friends and I will continue living “normal” life until it is just that, Normal.

When it Rains it Pours

This past week has been different than most.  My Aunt and I have been at home with my Grandma taking care of her, my Aunt more than I.  My cousins had all been by to see Grandma throughout the week.  I knew that I could stay in Ohio at least until the 10th of April on bereavement leave after Melody's funeral.  I wanted to stay as long as I could because I knew that when I went home and said goodbye to Grandma it would be the last time.  We happened to find pictures of my grandma from the 1930's to present.  Each time people came to visit we looked at the old pictures.  Because of the multiple visits I saw the pictures about four times and now I feel like I know my grandma's history a little better.  I know who her friends were and I can pick out my grandpa and her from other people.  I never met my grandpa so it is important to me that I now know what he looks like and can pick him out of a crowd.  I don't have all the memories that my cousins do of grandma and grandpa so it was fun for me to listen to them reminisce about her house and some of the pictures.  Now most of the pictures were from before my dad and aunt were born so there was not much reminiscing about those pictures but we were in awe of the amazing pictures we found.  The week could not continue going well, not in my family that is.  Thursday and Friday I noticed my grandma's health declining rapidly.  I did not know how long she would continue on like this.  Saturday early morning, she passed in her sleep.   My uncle woke me up around 7:30 to inform me.  A couple of my cousins and my dad came over to my aunt and uncles house.  It has been a bad day with lows and a few higher plateaus. The past year has been a year of changes.  Most of the changes have not been good ones, but there are good ones.  It's been a hard year.  I sometimes wonder when will life go back to normal.  What is normal anyway?    I think this is the new normal.  There will be good times and bad times in life.  I know the good times will outweigh the bad ones, eventually.  Until then, I will continue to lean on my family and friends during the hard times and I will strengthen my bonds with them simultaneously.  I also depend on God during these times.  I do not know what I would do without my faith and trust in Him.

Power of Thoughts

How can one put into words the feelings and emotions felt when they lose someone they love and care for?  The hard days may be more frequent than the good days.  The hard days are filled with forced attempts at making them appear good.  My dad asked me yesterday how he is supposed to act now.  He said “do I act sad and down or do I act like everything is ok?  If I act like all is ok then that means I act like the past 22 years never happened.  If so, then I act like the best 22 years of my life never happened.”  My family is filled with the constant reminder of how short life is and the emotions of losing Melody are brought out because my Grandma is so sick. She decided this past Sunday, my dad and aunt with her, she would stop dialysis.  The cancer, which is now spread all over her body, causes her to be in constant pain.  She knows  the pain will not stop and that if she breaks her back or any other bone the pain will only magnify.  Four years ago she was diagnosed with cancer in her liver.  We are not sure where it originated, possible the biliary duct.  She has fought long and hard.  In the beginning of the fight she was doing chemotherapy.  Her kidneys were already compromised so with the harsh drugs the kidneys were completely worn out and she decided a little more than a year ago that she would go on dialysis. She has faced many difficulties with dialysis, her fistulas clogged multiple times.  She is the toughest and strongest woman I have ever met.  She has such a will to live and beat whatever is placed before her.  If only I could be half as strong as she is.  That’s where the Kramer strong, as my Aunt Becky says, comes from, even if Grandma was a Reinhart before…  Hospice has come by for their initial visit.  We are making sure Grandma is comfortable and talking with her when she is awake.  The past couple days have been hard for me.  It was good for me that I spent time with my cousin, Jenny, and her two girls.  There is something about kids that give you a renewed strength to continue on and remember that there is more to life than yourself.  It was a nice reprieve for my mind.  Instead of being down emotionally I was jumping on a trampoline and roller skating and making videos and making memories with the girls.  If nothing else good comes of all the heartache it has been good for me because I have come to know my family here in Ohio better.  Hard times cause one to lean on family more and more.  Children are not the only things that are keeping me going right now.  I know that God’s strength is here with me.  I am listening to music while I write this and here are some lyrics that are playing.  “Give me faith, to trust what You say, that You’re good and Your love is great, I’m broken inside I give you my life.  I may be weak, Your spirit strong in me, my flesh will fail, my God You never will.”  “We will overcome, we will overcome cause you have overcome the world.”  This is what keeps me going. I do not know how my family does it without God.  He is my strength and constant help. 

Kramer Strong

It has been a grueling week.  Last Friday night, from 5:00 pm until after midnight, friends and family came to visit Melody.  Melody was asleep the entire time but we all said good-bye with selfish hopes that she would stay with us a little longer.  Saturday, March 23, 2013 at 12:30 in the morning Melody breathed her last.  The last visitor was still in the driveway heading out, I was next door grabbing a quick bite to eat, dad was in the basement fanning the fire, and Kerry was at his mom’s side.  He was saying his good-bye to his mom when she “said” her good-bye.  It has been said that Melody just did not want to leave the party and I believe that, but I also believe she was waiting to say goodbye to her son.  The next day was a blur.  Funeral arrangements, what to do?  What would Melody want?  This is not something I care to do anytime soon.  Sunday and Monday came and went.  Tuesday was the start of goodbye.  Many of my dad and Melody's friends and family came for the visitation Tuesday.  It was a sad and emotional day.  My parents and youngest brother, Caleb, came to support me from Minnesota.  My friends Ellen, Rana, and Crystal drove from Kansas and Amber flew with Aiden.  They came with the strength from my church to be with me.  It meant a lot to me to have family and friends come from so far to be with me during that impossible time.  It meant a lot to my Ohio family too that people would come from so far for such a short time.  They knew it was just to support me.  One realizes how much family and friends mean to them during difficult times.  I do not know what I would have done had they not been there.  Wednesday was the funeral.  It was a time of stories and memories being told.  I was to go last.  My time came to get up.  I was emotional and wanted to collect myself before I stood up to talk in front of everyone.  My Aunt Becky got up and came to where I was sitting.  She said she would go up with me.  She gave me the courage to get up and she helped me tell my story and memories of Melody.   She was there for me during one of the hardest times of my life.  I will never forget that.  She put her own feelings aside to be there for me.  Thursday, I decided that I would stay in Ohio for a couple more days.  My grandma was going to have a PET scan Friday to see if her cancer had spread to more places than just her left upper arm, which snapped Monday the 18^th.  My dad and I began a remodel on his house.  He and Melody were going to remodel their bedroom and tear down a couple walls but this project was put on hold because Melody was sick.  It all started when dad and I began by cleaning out Melody’s closet, which was not a fun project.  Tearing down the walls, well that was somewhat therapeutic.  Smashing a hammer into a wall and kicking down sheetrock… Friday came around.  I was riding with my Uncle Tom and we decided that this week, since last Friday, was the absolute longest week ever.  We were driving to meet my Aunt and Grandma for lunch.  When we were in the waiting room where we would meet Becky text me.  The text said, “looks like grandma may be admitted into the hospital.  Her doctor thinks the cancer has metastasized in several places. We are waiting on a radiologist confirmation and we may be looking at hospice.  The doctor does not think it will be long on hospice.”  What?!  This is what I was expecting to hear, but was hoping I would not be hearing.  The cancer was supposed to have only spread to the left arm.  I was going to go home in peace.  No, of course not why would it work like that?  You see in my family, it appears that when it rains, it pours.  I called human resources at work.  The FMLA paperwork that I had sent for my grandma was denied because grandparents are not covered in family medical leave.  I was devastated.  I text my cousin, Jenny, that I was not covered.  I sat down in the hallway in the hospital and cried, completely overwhelmed.  I thought I had had all I could handle BEFORE this.  Jenny called me.  She helped me collect myself and I was able to continue on.  Grandma is back at my aunt and uncles house.  Hospice has come to see her for their initial visit and we are waiting to see if grandma wants to stop dialysis or not.  If she does, the toxins in her body will build up and she will go into a sleep coma and go quietly and pain free.  If she continues dialysis she will continue living.  Either way with the cancer in so many places her bones are liable to break at any moment and she will just continue to be in excruciating pain with broken bones that will not heal.  It is her choice.  I was talking to Becky today, she encouraged me to be strong, “Kramer Strong”.  She said she told Melody back in December that when one becomes a Kramer or if they have the Kramer blood in them they are Kramer Strong.  If Melody can be Kramer Strong so can I.

How to say good-bye

How do you say good-bye to someone you love?  There is no way to prepare the heart and mind for the ultimate good-bye.  I had been trying to be prepared.  I can prepare for a trip and have everything I need ready or prepare myself to go non-stop for a time, but to prepare myself to say good-bye...  I’m not talking about the “see you later’, or “until next time”.  What happened to the wedding day excitement with her or the “so I met this guy” conversation or the exclaimed “I’m pregnant!” or “here hold your grandchild.”   What about the laughter from inside jokes so that we laugh so hard “water gushes out of our eyes and our cheeks hurt”?  Those kinds of days still make me smile.  Techniques I gained in the kitchen will never be forgotten and recipes you shared will always be a favorite.  I still remember, before I had the privilege of meeting you, getting packages from you and dad. I do not remember all that was in the packages but I remember the envelope that you had colored the sun and rainbow on before you shipped it out.  I still remember when you used the colored pens you sent to me and wrote a note using each pen color.  When I met you, you took me in as if I were your own.  You took me shopping and you told me what colors looked good on me.  We stared at the kitchen gadgets saying how each would be handy.  We feasted on the food network, when is now lovingly referred to as “food porn.”  You took me to my first pedicure.  You have helped me get presents for my dad, who we both know is impossible to buy for.  We even ganged up on dad when I came to visit.  I remember the day when I said “you don’t have to like me you know.  I have seen other step-children and their parents, they do not get along.”  You looked at me and just reassured me that we are not like other families.  I know the time and place and even the person we were talking to when you first called me your daughter.  We were loading a refrigerator for a doctor friend of yours and we were outside of his apartment complex.  I was honored that day and I still am honored to be called your daughter.  You drove twelve hours one way to visit me this past year.   You were all by yourself and on vacation from work and you came to see me.  That meant a lot then and even more now.  I told everyone I knew you were coming because I was so excited.  While you were in Kansas, I learned what your “not surprised face” looks like.  You also gave me tips to keep my house from getting dusty and even decorating ideas.  To be honest, I could go on and on about the different things you have taught me through the years, but the thing I learned the most was learned just by watching you.  You put others first just as you put me first.  I learned you were Heidi's best friend while she was in high school.  You took her out on your own initiative and bought her clothing to wear to our grandpa’s funeral.  You did the blood work and were the first to say, "yes, Jenny, you are pregnant."   My aunt may have dressed my dad up in dresses and the such, but you are the only true sister she has ever known.  I have learned many things from you.  Things that I would prefer to not learn right now but I am anyway.  I am learning things like a day should never be taken for granted.  Time with those we love should never be wasted.  The continuation of things learned from you may have come to a halt, but those that I have learned will stay with me through my life.  I will pass them down to my children and say “your Gram Melody taught me…”  You will not be forgotten and your legacy will continue.  After all you have a son and a daughter.

Moving days

Wednesday was the big day.  Melody wanted to go to the nursing home so we packed up her necessities and away we went.  We arrived late in the afternoon and Melody was settled in good timing.  There was no longer the fear in her eyes that she had at home.  She had been terrified of falling and it had been written all over her face.  I was at ease because she was at ease.  My cousin, Heidi, and I talked with the nurse about the medications that she needed that night and we were assured that she would receive them.  The medications were her pain and cough medicine that she only took at night so we thought it important for her to be given them.  Is it too much to write that not only did we move Melody but we also moved my grandma to an assisted living facility the same day?  Since Grandma broke her arm she needs more care and attention then we can give at this time with Melody as frail as she is.  Wednesday night we all settled down and felt a little more at ease knowing that neither Melody nor Grandma would fall during the night and their basic needs would be met.  Thursday morning rolled around.  I stayed at my dad’s house to “clean up a bit” but really to give him and Melody a little time together by themselves.  I thought this would be good for both of them.  I was working away with my Aunt Becky, my dad’s only sibling, and suddenly my dad appeared.  He said “Melody is in pain and the nursing home does not have any medication to give her.”  WHAT?!  I was angry and my dad was outraged.  I do not like people to be in pain and as a nurse if my patient is in pain I will bug my doctors until my patient's pain is relieved.  To see someone I love in pain with no pain reliever…you do not want to know.  To make a long story short, the nursing home did not have prescriptions from the nursing home doctor so she did not have the pain medications.  I will go no further on the subject.  Dad grabbed her home medications and with my blessing he gave her her home medications for pain relief.  As it is with pain if it gets uncontrolled it is next to impossible to reign it back in.  I quickly finished up what I was doing and went up to see Melody.  She was not comfortable.  The nurse apologized, I understood I hate the paperwork process too, then I asked them what I needed to do to get her the appropriate pain medications.  I could do nothing, my dad had given her the medicine and we were still waiting for the effects.   Hospice was coming at 3:30 that afternoon and I could not wait until they got there, I knew they would be able to help Melody.  Now I am not exaggerating on the discomfort that Melody was experiencing.  The hospice nurse arrived and after only looking at Melody she was in gear to get her pain medicine as soon as she could.  Melody was in too much “discomfort” (Melody never complains and is never in pain she is only "uncomfortable") for her liking.  The hospice nurse said it usually took a day to get the medications, but she was going to call around and talk to her boss and their doctor to get the medications before we moved Melody back home.  Oh yeah, Melody decided that afternoon that if she has to be uncomfortable at the nursing home then she may as well be uncomfortable at home.  I gathered up all of Melody’s belongings and we waited a short while for the pain medications.  Melody transferred well back home and we helped her get to bed.  My dad had already moved the king sized bed into the living room for her and she slept soundly.  My aunt, dad, and I sat in the living room that evening reminiscing.  Later that evening my aunt and I headed next door and dad snuggled in next to his wife, right where he wanted to be all along.  Melody had a bad night, she was uncomfortable and gasping for air.  This morning when I came over she was comfortable again.  The hospice nurse came by and said Melody looked a lot more comfortable than she did yesterday and to call if we needed anything.  Right now, I am sitting here watching Melody and listening to my dad and Kerry, Melody’s son and only natural child, converse.  As hard as it is being here I am right where I need to be.