Power of Thoughts

How can one put into words the feelings and emotions felt when they lose someone they love and care for?  The hard days may be more frequent than the good days.  The hard days are filled with forced attempts at making them appear good.  My dad asked me yesterday how he is supposed to act now.  He said “do I act sad and down or do I act like everything is ok?  If I act like all is ok then that means I act like the past 22 years never happened.  If so, then I act like the best 22 years of my life never happened.”  My family is filled with the constant reminder of how short life is and the emotions of losing Melody are brought out because my Grandma is so sick. She decided this past Sunday, my dad and aunt with her, she would stop dialysis.  The cancer, which is now spread all over her body, causes her to be in constant pain.  She knows  the pain will not stop and that if she breaks her back or any other bone the pain will only magnify.  Four years ago she was diagnosed with cancer in her liver.  We are not sure where it originated, possible the biliary duct.  She has fought long and hard.  In the beginning of the fight she was doing chemotherapy.  Her kidneys were already compromised so with the harsh drugs the kidneys were completely worn out and she decided a little more than a year ago that she would go on dialysis. She has faced many difficulties with dialysis, her fistulas clogged multiple times.  She is the toughest and strongest woman I have ever met.  She has such a will to live and beat whatever is placed before her.  If only I could be half as strong as she is.  That’s where the Kramer strong, as my Aunt Becky says, comes from, even if Grandma was a Reinhart before…  Hospice has come by for their initial visit.  We are making sure Grandma is comfortable and talking with her when she is awake.  The past couple days have been hard for me.  It was good for me that I spent time with my cousin, Jenny, and her two girls.  There is something about kids that give you a renewed strength to continue on and remember that there is more to life than yourself.  It was a nice reprieve for my mind.  Instead of being down emotionally I was jumping on a trampoline and roller skating and making videos and making memories with the girls.  If nothing else good comes of all the heartache it has been good for me because I have come to know my family here in Ohio better.  Hard times cause one to lean on family more and more.  Children are not the only things that are keeping me going right now.  I know that God’s strength is here with me.  I am listening to music while I write this and here are some lyrics that are playing.  “Give me faith, to trust what You say, that You’re good and Your love is great, I’m broken inside I give you my life.  I may be weak, Your spirit strong in me, my flesh will fail, my God You never will.”  “We will overcome, we will overcome cause you have overcome the world.”  This is what keeps me going. I do not know how my family does it without God.  He is my strength and constant help.