A Reason

Do you ever walk though life not really being there?  Like life is this made up game that people live and you are one of the pawns in the Theater of Life?  Going though the motions of life and having no real feeling.  That's what it seems like for me right now.  Whether I'm working or sitting at home I wonder, "Is this what life really is?"  Oh, I guess I do have feelings.  Feelings of frustration with my phone company because my phone does not work or feelings of being overwhelmed at work because it feels like I chased my tail all day.  I have those feeling. I was thinking tonight that maybe I just thought being an adult would be different.  I guess I had thoughts that adults are these grown up people who have it all together.  Maybe everyone is like me in thinking life would "feel" different than it really is.   Right now, I am going though the motions of life and wonder when it will have meaning again.  This song was playing in my car tonight on my way home from work it's called "reason to sing" by All Sons and Daughters.  This is what gives me  a reason to live and sing.  it may not feel like it at the moment, but I know I have a Reason to Sing.  "When the pieces start to shatter, to gather on the floor. And all that seems to matter is that I don't feel You anymore. no, I don't feel you anymore.  I need a reason to sing.  I need to know that You're still holding the whole  world in Your hands. i need a reason, when I'm overcome with fear and hate everything I know. If this waiting lasts forever, I fear I might let go.  will there be victory, will You sing it over me now. Your peace is the melody, won't  You sing it over me now.  I need a reason to sing, to know that You're still holding the whole world in Your hands.  That is a reason to sing."  Maybe this song does not make sense, but I know that I will begin to feel once again and life will not be this dragging on of eternity.  Because my Maker holds the whole world in His hands.  That is a reason to sing and I will continue to work on that realization until it becomes a reality full of feeling and life.

Normal Life

I am back home and all went well on my drive home.  I was ready to be back to “real life,” whatever that may be, but was not ready to leave Ohio.  My dad and I spent time together Saturday.  Sunday was a blur.  I asked Jenny if I could pick up her girls after school Monday and hang out with them in the afternoon.  I did just that and we had a blast jumping on the trampoline and playing Sardines, a hide-and-seek game.   It is amazing how good kids are for the soul. Tuesday I painted with my dad and I mentally prepared myself for the funeral and for my trip home.  Wednesday was the funeral.  It was a small Catholic service with Mass.  There was a small meal afterward for family and a few friends.  It was good to just be there with family and talk with them.  I reluctantly said my good-byes to my cousins; remember I did not want to leave.  Amidst the craziness of the past three weeks I have come closer to everyone and it hurt knowing I would not see them for awhile.  That evening my dad, aunt, uncle, and I sat and talked and watched “Quigley Down Under.”  It is a movie that dad and Melody had a lot of memories with so it was good to remember Melody by.  The drive home Thursday was uneventful and I made it in decent timing.  Today I decided that I needed to get my house ready for Spring and Summer.  I wanted to plant flowers and vegetables.  I went to the flower shop and nervously picked out shade flowers and sunny flowers and sweet peppers, tomatoes and herbs.  You see I do not have a green thumb.  Last year I killed my mint, which is almost impossible to kill.  I will keep trying though until I have a green thumb.  I like the thought of garden fresh vegetables and they taste so good!  Last year was my first year with an herb garden.  I absolutely loved that when I was cooking I could use my own fresh herbs instead of the dried herbs from the stores.  Melody and I also talked about vegetable and herb gardens so I was excited to tell her about it last year.  This year planting them made me sad.  I thought of Melody and my Grandma a lot of the time I was planting.  I wanted to send Melody a picture of my garden and flowers like I did last year.  I realized that we take for granted so many things.  We do not realize how much someone means to us or how often we text or call them until they are taken from us.  In reality, today was not so great a day.  Last night was hard too.  I guess I had been trying to stay strong for my dad and not really grieving myself when I was in Ohio.  I know that time will make the pain more bearable and I will learn to live with my losses, but until then…?  Until then, I just decided, I will try to make the most of life.  I will continue to build my relationships with family and friends and I will continue living “normal” life until it is just that, Normal.

When it Rains it Pours

This past week has been different than most.  My Aunt and I have been at home with my Grandma taking care of her, my Aunt more than I.  My cousins had all been by to see Grandma throughout the week.  I knew that I could stay in Ohio at least until the 10th of April on bereavement leave after Melody's funeral.  I wanted to stay as long as I could because I knew that when I went home and said goodbye to Grandma it would be the last time.  We happened to find pictures of my grandma from the 1930's to present.  Each time people came to visit we looked at the old pictures.  Because of the multiple visits I saw the pictures about four times and now I feel like I know my grandma's history a little better.  I know who her friends were and I can pick out my grandpa and her from other people.  I never met my grandpa so it is important to me that I now know what he looks like and can pick him out of a crowd.  I don't have all the memories that my cousins do of grandma and grandpa so it was fun for me to listen to them reminisce about her house and some of the pictures.  Now most of the pictures were from before my dad and aunt were born so there was not much reminiscing about those pictures but we were in awe of the amazing pictures we found.  The week could not continue going well, not in my family that is.  Thursday and Friday I noticed my grandma's health declining rapidly.  I did not know how long she would continue on like this.  Saturday early morning, she passed in her sleep.   My uncle woke me up around 7:30 to inform me.  A couple of my cousins and my dad came over to my aunt and uncles house.  It has been a bad day with lows and a few higher plateaus. The past year has been a year of changes.  Most of the changes have not been good ones, but there are good ones.  It's been a hard year.  I sometimes wonder when will life go back to normal.  What is normal anyway?    I think this is the new normal.  There will be good times and bad times in life.  I know the good times will outweigh the bad ones, eventually.  Until then, I will continue to lean on my family and friends during the hard times and I will strengthen my bonds with them simultaneously.  I also depend on God during these times.  I do not know what I would do without my faith and trust in Him.

Power of Thoughts

How can one put into words the feelings and emotions felt when they lose someone they love and care for?  The hard days may be more frequent than the good days.  The hard days are filled with forced attempts at making them appear good.  My dad asked me yesterday how he is supposed to act now.  He said “do I act sad and down or do I act like everything is ok?  If I act like all is ok then that means I act like the past 22 years never happened.  If so, then I act like the best 22 years of my life never happened.”  My family is filled with the constant reminder of how short life is and the emotions of losing Melody are brought out because my Grandma is so sick. She decided this past Sunday, my dad and aunt with her, she would stop dialysis.  The cancer, which is now spread all over her body, causes her to be in constant pain.  She knows  the pain will not stop and that if she breaks her back or any other bone the pain will only magnify.  Four years ago she was diagnosed with cancer in her liver.  We are not sure where it originated, possible the biliary duct.  She has fought long and hard.  In the beginning of the fight she was doing chemotherapy.  Her kidneys were already compromised so with the harsh drugs the kidneys were completely worn out and she decided a little more than a year ago that she would go on dialysis. She has faced many difficulties with dialysis, her fistulas clogged multiple times.  She is the toughest and strongest woman I have ever met.  She has such a will to live and beat whatever is placed before her.  If only I could be half as strong as she is.  That’s where the Kramer strong, as my Aunt Becky says, comes from, even if Grandma was a Reinhart before…  Hospice has come by for their initial visit.  We are making sure Grandma is comfortable and talking with her when she is awake.  The past couple days have been hard for me.  It was good for me that I spent time with my cousin, Jenny, and her two girls.  There is something about kids that give you a renewed strength to continue on and remember that there is more to life than yourself.  It was a nice reprieve for my mind.  Instead of being down emotionally I was jumping on a trampoline and roller skating and making videos and making memories with the girls.  If nothing else good comes of all the heartache it has been good for me because I have come to know my family here in Ohio better.  Hard times cause one to lean on family more and more.  Children are not the only things that are keeping me going right now.  I know that God’s strength is here with me.  I am listening to music while I write this and here are some lyrics that are playing.  “Give me faith, to trust what You say, that You’re good and Your love is great, I’m broken inside I give you my life.  I may be weak, Your spirit strong in me, my flesh will fail, my God You never will.”  “We will overcome, we will overcome cause you have overcome the world.”  This is what keeps me going. I do not know how my family does it without God.  He is my strength and constant help.